This weekend my younger brother will get married. We are traveling out to Tahoe to celebrate him and his soon to be wife and daughter. It will be the first time we take our one year old on a plane…dun, dun, dun. I am excited to go on a family trip we rented a beautiful house surrounded by trees and it will be a great contrast to what we see every day. I am also excited that it will be another trip we are taking as a family, memories will be made and pictures will capture our time away together. And then the event that is behind all of this, my brother’s wedding. Of course I am happy for him in a, “you are getting married, yay!” sort of way. But I am also happy for him in a, “he says he is happier than he has ever been” sort of way. You see for a long time he had planned on never getting married or having children. Now he is taking the plunge, has a stepdaughter he considers his own and he and his bride are planning to have children together.
All this excitement and there is a gaping hole in the entire thought process, a beautiful heart and laugh that will not be in the memories our families will make this weekend. Our Mom will not be there to help decorate or fuss with my brother’s shirt, visit with the bride’s family or hold my son when he starts to make noise during the event…because only Grandma can get him to calm down. It took me a while to recognize that knowing she won’t be there for yet another major life event in one of her children’s lives has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety while trying to pack for the trip. We miss her and her absence will be felt. I also know she would not want us to be sad when we think of her. Its been three years and I have not figured out how to think about her without being overwhelmed by missing her and thinking of all she should have been a part of since her death. Anyone who has lost someone knows that it doesn’t take a big life event to ache for your loved one – it is the day to day thought that I typically can struggle through, that is ever present. The big life events and missing your loved one through those just really slap you in the face, stop you in your tracks. Like, “you can push through your daily tasks…but there is no pushing through the fact that your Mom won’t be there for the birth of your child or to see her baby boy get married.”
In these moments, while sitting with my shattered heart on the floor around me her strength steps in. Her love of her family and life and the fact I have no doubt in my mind that the best way to honor her and make sure my children know her love is to spend time with them. Taking these family trips, exploring, standing by my brother’s side as he takes such a huge step, making these memories. Because there is a chance in the future, either near or distant, these memories will be all that our children have left of us. Making memories, big or small, will always time well spent.