I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my son until he was six months old. Some time I will write my thoughts on being a “Stay at Home Mom”, but today I am writing about being a mom who works outside of the home.
I have a Monday through Friday, general office hours type gig. It pays well, is close to home and I like my boss. he is good at what he does and stays above a lot of nonsense that previous employers got caught up in. Occasionally I can work from home all or part of a day which is helpful because my husband owns his own company and is attempting to work from home WHILE being the primary caregiver for our son during the day. He often is walking out the door while I am rushing in. We do have a friend who can come and watch our son when we are unable to manage coverage but we try not to tap into her too often.
When I walk through the parking lot into work and see car seats in the back of other cars I imagine the parent dropping their child off at some sort of daycare/childcare before coming into the office. The thought of that being me with my son pings at my heart a little bit. I then feel a wave of gratitude that when I leave for work I know that my son is at home with my husband. Not saying anything is wrong about using daycare and those families who utilize it by choice or necessity, it is just that my husband and I agreed we wanted to try and manage our son’s care between the two of us as much as possible (especially in his first year). And so far we have been able to juggle enough of our life and make sacrifices to do so.
I miss my son during the day, he is almost ten months old and so much more active now than when I was staying home with him. He clings to his Dad, and although I love the fact that they are close…his preference for Daddy hurts my heart a little. They play, eat, go down for naps, etc more than my son and I do. It actually seems like they communicate in their own language. But then again when he is having a hard day, or I am, and I question whether I would be okay being with him for eight hours straight during the day, alone, I appreciate the fact I can walk out the door and enter a world of adults.
It is quite an interesting combination of emotions, to feel both jealous and relieved that my husband is with our baby all day, not me. Then having to talk myself out of thinking I am an asshole regardless of which one I may be feeling. I know this is a common struggle, I know not to beat myself up about it – but it is a high strung and sensitive reality.