If you say you are going to do something, do it…or if you don’t, at least acknowledge that you didn’t. In general I do not consider myself a “needy” person. For the most part I believe I am self sufficient and since being in a relationship with my husband there is even less that I feel that I cannot handle. That being said, the last few years have been particularly hard. Throughout these difficult times people have offered to do things for me (us) and then don’t and then just simply act like they never made the offer.
This behavior really started to impact me when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and began treatments. I still lived out of state at the time and my Dad wasn’t a particularly attentive caregiver or housekeeper. So I was reeling from the news of her illness and the extent of the disease’s progression, I was not satisfied with the care she was receiving, and I was not physically there with her. I could not see her or touch her. Some friends knew how devastated I was and when I asked if they would stop by and visit with her (since I couldn’t) they said they would. Just the thought of them stopping in to offer some socialization for and assistance to my Mom lifted some weight from my shoulders. They would see her and touch her and somehow I would feel more connected to her. For whatever reason, none of them did. None acknowledged the lack of action on their part…and I did not communicate my disappointment.
This is one example. The offer to bring food by when I had Caspian or to help around the house while I was recovering are two more. There are many more, but the point is not for me to list complaints. And, I am not saying the help was necessary. I survived. I am pointing out that even those who may appear self sufficient may benefit from some authentic support. If it was genuinely offered and not done then it would be an automatic response for the person to follow up and acknowledge the fact that it didn’t happen.
Then on the other hand some people show support and kindness that caught me off guard and was completely unexpected.
While my Mom was alive some friends sent flowers or dropped of food dishes. Some even called and texted her. One day when I called my Mom she was very cheerful and started telling me that one of my friends had taken her to a movie. In fact, this same friend had come by several times to play games and watch T.V. with her. I was so pleasantly surprised and grateful. I felt supported.
When my husband and I moved out to stay with my Mom during her last few months alive we literally closed up our home left the state for six months. During this time a friend went out of her way to come by and check on things for us a couple times each month. This helped relieve us from a concern so that we could focus our energy on spending time with my Mom. She said she was going to do something and she did it.
As our son’s due date drew near a family friend, who had provided support through my Mom’s illness and my grief, offered to come visit after his birth. She was very specific that the visit would be to support us: help around the house and with the baby. I thanked her and told her I would get back to her once we got home from the hospital. The baby came and we were getting settled at home. She contacted me to check in and follow up on her offer. She shared the dates (and there were several) that she would be able to come out. Things were going smoothly and I wholeheartedly thanked her for her offer but explained that we were doing fine. Just the fact that she offered and followed up made me feel encouraged and supported.
Why do we feel the pressure to offer help, but not enough pressure to acknowledge it when we don’t/can’t follow through? On the flip side, when someone offers us something and then does not follow through, why do we feel so uncomfortable asking that person about it? Perhaps we don’t do a good job holding ourselves accountable so then we are less likely to hold someone else accountable? Even when we really needed the help or were looking forward to the support. People please, don’t offer something that most likely won’t happen…and if you do offer something and cannot see it through, acknowledge it. It matters.