Month: February 2017

Hmmm, Valentine’s Day.  When I was single I had all these ideas as to what being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day would be like.  Thoughtful, romantic, intentional, sexy, sweet…these words floated in my head. They were the rose colored glasses that made the grass greener on the other side (relationship side), haha.

It is not a given that anything special will take place on Valentine’s Day in our house. We are not THOSE people to wait extended periods of time for a table or call ridiculously in advance to secure a table at a restaurant on the “Heart” night.  More often than not V Day is on a week night and I am such a wuss about staying up late or expending extra energy when I have to get up and go to work the next morning (old lady status, I know) that we don’t really do anything.

My husband has always said that he is romantic, but then we have a silent pause because he has never been romantic with me.  Maybe previous relationships knocked the romance out of him? We are more of a stay at home and hang out than dress up and go out couple.  The food he cooks tastes better to me than most restaurants and if we want a few drinks we don’t have to worry about driving…or bad service, or obnoxious people at the next table, or wearing a bra or spending extra energy to look nice. Maybe its us being lazy or it could be that our relationship was long distance for a long time so “dating” looked different for us than it did for other people?  If we were visiting each other we wanted to spend time together – not dealing with other people.

But he is real and I know that he loves me.  He will cook a delicious meal and then clean up the kitchen.  He will go clothes shopping with me because he knows I don’t have anyone else to. If my car was in the driveway over night he will warm it up and make sure the windows are defrosted.  He has pulled my hair back while I was throwing up. He insisted we should go be with my Mom the last few months of her life when I didn’t have the courage to make that decision.  He sat with me as I held my Mom’s hand while she died.  He held up my leg and encouraged me while I was giving birth to our son.  He would sit up with me when I was breasting feeding our baby in the middle of the night.  I know he will do whatever it takes to provide for and protect me and our family.

Last Valentine’s Day I was eight months pregnant.  This year we will have a ten month old who will get up at least once that night.  I won’t get flowers or candy or a romantic night.  I may be a little disappointed, but not surprised.  We will both be tired from the day and after our son goes down for the night we will eat a quick dinner I will pump, shower and go to bed.

I am grateful we are “doing” life together – even if we are not where we truly want to be yet…He is by my side through it all and maybe that is the type of romance more couples need.

I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my son until he was six months old.  Some time I will write my thoughts on being a “Stay at Home Mom”, but today I am writing about being a mom who works outside of the home.

I have a Monday through Friday, general office hours type gig. It pays well, is close to home and I like my boss. he is good at what he does and stays above a lot of nonsense that previous employers got caught up in.  Occasionally I can work from home all or part of a day which is helpful because my husband owns his own company and is attempting to work from home WHILE being the primary caregiver for our son during the day.  He often is walking out the door while I am rushing in. We do have a friend who can come and watch our son when we are unable to manage coverage but we try not to tap into her too often.

When I walk through the parking lot into work and see car seats in the back of other cars I imagine the parent dropping their child off at some sort of daycare/childcare before coming into the office.  The thought of that being me with my son pings at my heart a little bit.  I then feel a wave of gratitude that when I leave for work I know that my son is at home with my husband.  Not saying anything is wrong about using daycare and those families who utilize it by choice or necessity, it is just that my husband and I agreed we wanted to try and manage our son’s care between the two of us as much as possible (especially in his first year).  And so far we have been able to juggle enough of our life and make sacrifices to do so.

I miss my son during the day, he is almost ten months old and so much more active now than when I was staying home with him.  He clings to his Dad, and although I love the fact that they are close…his preference for Daddy hurts my heart a little.  They play, eat, go down for naps, etc  more than my son and I do.  It actually seems like they communicate in their own language.  But then again when he is having a hard day, or I am, and I question whether I would be okay being with him for eight hours straight during the day, alone, I appreciate the fact I can walk out the door and enter a world of adults.

It is quite an interesting combination of emotions, to feel both jealous and relieved that my husband is with our baby all day, not me. Then having to talk myself out of thinking I am an asshole regardless of which one I may be feeling. I know this is a common struggle, I know not to beat myself up about it – but it is a high strung and sensitive reality.