I feel as though it is difficult to meet people and build friendships. In school it was easy, you are in class with people or as an athlete your teammates are friends by default. Some of these people stay with you for a lifetime and some quickly become out of sight out of mind. As an adult (post college, real life adult), I, like many women have made a majority of my new friendships through meeting people at work. In no way do I have an especially active social life, this was true even before I had a baby, but I will say that I have a few very special people in my life who have proven to be good friends. These friendships look different than friendships that began when I was younger. The ages of these women vary from 34 to 67. Some are married some are not. Some have children, some do not and never did, some wanted children but do not have any. Some will plan to retire in their fifties others are working well into their sixties. Some were born here in the United States, others were born elsewhere. The variety offers amazing perspective.
My heart hurt for two of these women and their families earlier this month. The first came to visit with me and meet the baby in August. She and I had worked together until I was seven months pregnant. She was so excited for us. She knew the heartache of losing my Mom and being a grandmother of teenagers she loved that I was close to my Grandma. Honestly, her energy and attention toward me and my pregnancy meant a lot to me. To a certain extent her presence in my life helped to fill part of the space that my Mom’s death left. During the visit we caught up, laughed and I took some pictures of her with my son. We made plans to visit again soon. A month later she began to have some health issues but expected to recover. A few weeks later on a Friday (on a whim) I text to check in with her and she was back in the hospital again but expected to be home on Monday. We made plans for her to call me. She always said that pictures of my son made her happy so I sent her a picture of him, she responded “so handsome.” Monday came and went with no call. I figured that she didn’t get released or she was too tired to call once she got home. On Tuesday someone who used to work with us called me, leaving a voicemail to call her back. In this world where texts dominate communication rather than speaking on the phone the phone call alarmed me. I told me husband that I wouldn’t be surprised if she was calling to say something happened to my friend in the hospital. Sure enough my intuition was right, my friend had died in the hospital on Saturday. My friend, someone I used to see everyday at work, someone who touched my heart had died. I have looked at the picture of her laughing with my baby taken just two months (practically to the day) that she died.
Another friend is in a group of women who have become friends of mine. We get together a couple of times a year. They supported me through my Mom’s diagnosis, illness, our move out to be with her, her death, my grieving process, my pregnancy and these first several months of motherhood. They encouraged versus discouraged us when we decided to seal up the house and move out to California to be near her. One of these women even checked on our house a few times a month for six months. It is a higher caliber of friendship than I had experienced in the past. This women had become unexpectedly pregnant. The same week that I found out about the death of my friend I mention above, she began to have serious complications with her pregnancy. I won’t go into to much detail because it is all still current. But, she was told she was going to loose her baby five weeks ago now, we all were devastated for her and felt helpless. This week she will have made it to twenty six weeks – something doctors said wouldn’t happen. She and her daughter are fighting and each day that passes her daughter is growing bigger and stronger and has a better chance of living. We celebrate every week she gets through. Her strength and faith throughout this experience inspires me. It really makes me acknowledge and grateful for my healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby.
The strength of a friendship is evident in hard times. If we can’t go to our friends when we are broken, scared, depressed, embarrassed…then what is the point of the relationship? Friends are supposed to cry with you, fight for you and lift you up. Friendships go both ways. I try very hard to be a good friend, a friend I would like to have. I am so glad that I reached out to my friend to check on her health and try and set up a time to visit. It helps my heart heal and allows me to think of our relationship in a positive light rather than regret – wishing I had followed up with her. My other friend who is fighting for her daughter’s life supported me through my pregnancy and helped throw a surprise baby shower for me. I am glad that I had reached out to her a few times in her pregnancy prior to the complication – now that she is having a hard time I am able to maintain that support rather than trying to establish it.
Be loving. Be honest. Be hopeful. Be protective. Be present…in the lives of the people you call friend. Send that text, drop a card in the mail, make that call…Be a friend.
In the words of my Grandma, “you have to be friendly to make friends.”